SATIRICAL Interview with Dougy Parker

DOUG PARKER REALLY SUCKS DOUG PARKER REALLY SUCKS DOUG PARKER REALLY SUCKS DOUG PARKER REALLY SUCKS DOUG PARKER REALLY SUCKS DOUG PARKER REALLY SUCKS

Parker: As long as my payroll check is still written out correctly, call me anything you want.

Parker: The more I make, the less there is to pay for client amenities. No food on flights, fewer gate attendants, less plane maintenance, and a general lack of giving a crap as to where the dollars are spent. And of course fewer employee benefits and no raises for our cast of characters we call employees.

USAirReallySucks.com: Interesting philosophy. So without pay raises for your “cast of characters”, is there any way for your employees to raise their level of earnings?

Parker: Certainly. You’re going to love this. As you know, some time back we started charging passengers to check bags.

USAirReallySucks.com: So that $25 goes to a handling and security system to insure that bags are secure and that they get where they are supposed to go?

Parker: Not exactly. That $25 goes to me. What we do is ignore that fact that we now charge for bags and have invested nothing into securing passenger luggage. But get this. What we do is that we look the other way as our employee’s rape and pillage the luggage of the passengers. In this way, our employees can “compensate themselves” so that we don’t have to do it.

USAirReallySucks.com: Wow, that’s very devious. Don’t you take any responsibility to safeguard your passenger’s luggage?

USAirReallySucks.com: Doesn’t the Department of Transportation have anything to say about that?

Parker: Whoa there. Let’s not bring regulatory bodies into this matter. It clearly states on page 27 of our “Terms of Transportation” what items we are not responsible for, and that really covers all items of any value whatsoever. Those terms are on our website, so FU to the passenger who doesn’t read up before we “borrow” items from your luggage.

USAirReallySucks.com: How does TSA fit in here? We saw that some TSA guys were arrested fro stealing items from passenger’s luggage in February.

Parker: We love TSA. We can blame them for the thefts and they can blame us. It’s a win – win.

USAirReallySucks.com: But since a passenger checks a bag with you, aren’t you really responsible? I mean, you put a limit on what passengers can carry on, and then you charge fees on what they check. So really whatever is checked is “fair game” to you?

Parker: Look, we misplace some bags same as every other airline. Sometimes they are found, sometimes not. As for missing items from bags…go ahead and prove that there was anything in your bag.

USAirReallySucks.com: Let’s not focus on misplaced bags now. We understand how many bags you move a year and sometimes they get misrouted, tags lost etc. What we are talking about is YOUR employees going into the checked luggage and helping themselves by taking whatever they want. Passengers go through x-ray machines, how about your employees do the same. That way when they steal, let’s say for instance, two expensive camera lenses out of someone’s luggage, they wouldn’t be able to get off the premises with them.

Parker: We don’t have any spare x-ray machines. The extra’s I use to secure my private plane….not a US Air jet I might add. I don’t want any crap stolen from my luggage. As well, screening our employees would send the message that we don’t trust them. We trust them enough not to invest any funds into watching them do anything which we would have to report to the Department of Transportation of violations of any of their stupid legal protocols.

USAirReallySucks.com: Are you saying that you have absolutely no responsibility to safeguard the possessions of your travelers?

Parker: I think you are finally catching on. We bear no responsibility for anything. We’re US Air dammit, and if you don’t fly us, who are you going to fly with?

USAirReallySucks.com: Well there are other airlines that passengers can give their business to.

Parker: I don’t give a rat’s ass. We’re a big company. We fly a ton of people. We allow all races to fly with us. Even blacks and Jews are allowed on our airplanes. I mean jets. I think we use mostly jets now. But I digress. So if we lose a few hundred thousand passengers because we don’t compensate them for stealing crap out of their luggage, too f’ing bad. Prove we stole your shit!

USAirReallySucks.com: Wow that was quite a rant. You OK? Have you been hitting the bottle again?

Parker: Hey, that DUI charge from February 9 of 2007 was bullshit. The police report said that I had “bloodshot and watery eyes”. That was because I had spent the previous six hours going through passenger’s luggage looking for some stuff to steal. I think I netted a couple of camera lenses that day too.

USAirReallySucks.com: Look, it was a DUI. Good thing you didn’t run anyone over.

Parker: If I did, I would hope it would be an American Airlines passenger. I’m a company guy.

USAirReallySucks.com: And, do you have any comment on being listed at 409 on the Forbes CEO compensation list for 2010 with $2.03 Million.

Parker: Yeah. Firstly I’d like to thank all the little people who had stuff stolen while travelling our friendly skies. We didn’t compensate them, that boosted our bottem line, thus allowing me to look more successful. And by the way, that probably means that I make $2.0275 Million more than you.

USAirReallySucks.com: Hey, there’s really no reason to make this personal.

USAirReallySucks.com: Actually what IS personal Dougy, is that you and your henchman take ABOLSUELY NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE ACTIONS OF YOUR EMPLOYEES. YOU ARE A THIEF AS MUCH AS THE DISHONEST PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR YOU. YOU ARE A DISGRACE. AN UNCARING CEO SITTING IN HIS IVORY TOWER (or at your country club, or on your yacht) WHO HAS LITTLE REGARD FOR THE CLIENTELE WHO SUPPORT YOUR COMPANY. BASICALLY, YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD. You and your company have no conscience. You have declared open season on all passengers travelling with personal or professional items as you bear NO responsibility for the safekeeping of those items. Take your offer of a $300 travel voucher and SHOVE IT UP YOUR BIG BLOATED HEMMORROID-RIDDEN ASS.

Parker: Yeah, too bad your stupid camera lenses went ‘missing’. Sucks to be you, doesn’t it.

USAirReallySucks.com: No Doug. Sucks to be you! Social Media. Regulatory Agencies. Traditional Media. I’m just getting warmed up.